The scene is the darkest jungle in
Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when
the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue
and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger
turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other
tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats
his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I
said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry"
again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats
his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it
with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says,
"I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just
trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
A very rich fun lawyer is approached
by the United Way. The man from the United Way is
concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last
year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and
dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by
healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three
divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly
died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel
bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them
any money, why should I give you any?"
A pick pocket was up in court for
a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you
are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said
"Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him
at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in
the crowd. . ."
Two small boys, not yet old enough
to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one
day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first
boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an
accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?"
asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
One day, there was this lawyer who
had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it
off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen
wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's
side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he
screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a
mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him
yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH
DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?"
asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have
to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your
lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about
is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that
your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The
lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy walks into a post office one
day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes
out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
His curiosity getting the better
of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks
the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A man was chosen for jury duty who
really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried
every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more
shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he
could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this
trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I
took one look at the man in the blue suit with those
beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a
crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly
stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in
the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to
an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen,
why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer."
A lawyer defending a
man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The
defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and
A grade school
teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano
player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard,
so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father
that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's
father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how
am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
A woman went to her
doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she
wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked,
"Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked,
"Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told
her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was
mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal
sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think
lawyers come from?"
A doctor vacationing
on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him
what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire,
so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are
you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that
lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance
proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked,
"how did you start the flood?"
A guy phones a law
firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last
week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and
says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law
firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me
sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time
I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I
love hearing it!"
Two attorneys were
walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks
by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments
"Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney
thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
An engineer dies and
reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in
the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates
of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as
is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls
Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going
down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got
air conditioning, flushing toilets and working
escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is
going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've
got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says,
"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll
sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah
right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer trying to
get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a
couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting
night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in
front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him
and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The
lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman
asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who
could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all
at the funeral."
A doctor and a lawyer
were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their
ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I
send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to
give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly
guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to
place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the
A lawyer is standing
in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think
you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping
in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a
lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"
A man is at his
lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for
this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why
are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards
him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to
pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make
sure he was dead."